Comedian Liza Treyger (Comedy Cellar, Seth Meyers, Comedy Central's The Half Hour) teaches us how to fix every problem with honesty, how to be a jew in Iowa, how to insult a cop without getting shot, how to survive a neo-Nazi parade, how to start comedy in Chicago, how to ruin a friendship over Shrek, how to get passed at the Comedy Cellar in NYC, how to terrorize your roommate till they move out, how to prepare a standup set for TV, and how to get kicked out of a White Sox game. Then we play a rousing game of Britney Spears Trivia, in which we review the time Britney Spears married a man named Jason Alexander, giving us all one brief moment where we said, "Wait..."
"Bill Nye Saves the World" writer Flora Lichtman teaches us how to fish, how to get paid to live in an Italian paradise, how to whale-watch for a living, how to work in public radio, how to have a hateable voice, how to kill a whale with pop music, how to know the difference between lure and bait, how to eat poison fish from the East River, and how to deal with a sleepy podcast host.
"Bill Nye" writer and radio host Sanden Totten teaches us how to be a JNCO-wearing punk, how to have Drucker as a boss, how to do a killer Ira Glass impression, how to be a "Game of Thrones" character, how to break into the sexy world of public radio, how to draw someone just from the sound of their voice, how to have fun in Bakersfield, California, how to rock out to a break-up song, and most importantly, how to deal with a dog that likes ska music. Then we play a game of "Punk Rock Grandma." What is that, you ask? We don't know! We just made it up!
Featuring us! And discussions about FaceTiming, group email anxiety, healthy water for dogs, saying goodbye to your old life, the country of Molliday, preparing for a massive earthquake, browser tab maintenance, and the true lesson of "Jiro Dreams of Sushi"-- just give up.
"Deadpool" and "Chewbacca" writer Gerry Duggan teaches us how to break into the world of comics, how to write for Deadpool, how to meet people at a comic book shop, how to write for an awards show hosted by Patton Oswalt, how to move to Los Angeles with nothing, how to embarrass yourself in front of Clint Eastwood, how to socialize at Comic-Con, and how to kill yourself in a Volkswagen Jetta. Then we play "Ultimate Crossover Battle," where Gerry tells us who would win the greatest crossovers of all time. Could Spider-Man take on an elderly man named Ben? Excelsior!
"Love" and "American Dad" writer Ali Waller teaches us how to build an empire of inspirational quotes, how to enjoy jam bands on molly, how to get a screenplay on the Black List, how to work with Judd Apatow, how to sneak into a Justin Bieber movie, how to write jokes for a living, how to let an Italian man climax on your face, how to get called mean by David Spade, how to flirt with your cat's cardiologist, and how to succeed by doing the opposite of good advice. Then we play "Mad Quotes," where Ali ruins our game by actually knowing every inspirational quote ever said. "Not cool, bro!" -Gandhi
Comedian and writer Joselyn Hughes teaches us how to fully appreciate the Backstreet Boys, how to say "crotch mouth" in Spanish, how to be a "graffiti consultant," how to suffer through an open mic, how to meet J.J. Abrams, how to perform at a casino, how to blog for Tosh.0, how to get fired from a restaurant, and how to make the most out of condoms and coffee filters. Then we challenge Joselyn to create art out of boring household items.
"The Good Place" star D'Arcy Carden teaches us how to not hate annoying people, how to handle horrible YouTube comments, how to become a famous photographer on Instagram, how to star in an NBC sitcom, how to be the class clown, how to survive drama school, how to impress cool musicians with improv comedy, how to be friends with Ted Danson, and how to imagine someone as a baby to stop hating them. Then we play a game where we find the redeeming qualities of Hitler and cyclists.
"Brooklyn 99" and "Late Night" writer Alison Agosti teaches us how to find the best songs about conspiracy theories, how to be polite to people who get your name wrong, how to love dogs, how to not laugh at the name Rancho Cucamonga, how to write for a UCB sketch team, how to get a TV job from Twitter, how to fall in love in New York City, and how to find the worst music on YouTube. This entire episode was an inside job.
Comedian Jak Knight teaches us how to make Jolly Rancher sizzurp, how to deal with hecklers, how to succeed in comedy after only three years. how to have the worst Uber ride of all time, how to make your own nut milk, how to shut down a drunk racist, how to accidentally make cops fight each other, and how to make everyone jealous of your youth. Then we play "Yeezy Does It," where we find out how Kanye West would justify kicking a baby. Also, we are legally obligated to say that we do not condone or recommend trying anything we learned in this episode. (Especially making nut milk.)
"Tonight Show" writer Caroline Eppright teaches us how to grow up with lawyers for parents, how to rise from PA to writer, how to find the best bbq in Kansas City, how to move to New York from the Midwest, how to create a 1-800 number for yourself, how to get coffee and donuts for Tina Fey, how to avoid a terrible massage, and how to be friends with cheap people. Then we play Bring Polite to a Fight, where we find the most Midwestern way to politely insult people. Bless your ugly mom's heart!
"Mr. Robot" and "Fear the Walking Dead" writer Kate Erickson teaches us how to stay sane on a family road trip, how to hitchhike without being murdered, how to walk across Spain in a month, how to attend zombie school, how to sleep in a barn, how to train yourself to write like your favorite writers, how to get diarrhea from tea, how to travel around the world for free, and how to survive an outdoor music festival. Then we play the ultimate road trip game, 20 Questions!
"Key & Peele" and "Rick and Morty" writer Alex Rubens teaches us how to be more optimistic, how to quit Facebook, how to write Pac-Man and Star Wars fan fic, how to work for the genius Dan Harmon, how to grow up in Manhattan like the kids from "Hey Arnold," how to write a movie about literally saving a cat ("Keanu"), how to get marriage advice from Method Man, and how to use nihilism to have a sunnier view of the world. Then we play On the Bright Side, where we try to stay positive during terrible situations. If your wife has left you for a guy who does parkour, this episode is for you. *Also, sorry about the subpar audio quality of this episode. We had some technical issues and promise to fix it next time!
IGN's Destin Legarie teaches us how to face your life when it's a mess, how to play video games for a living, how to leave Canada, how to have one of the top Wolverine websites in the world, how to love the old internet, how to get scammed by a for-profit college, how to livestream Pokemon Go, how to be alone, and finally, Destin teaches us what brown can do for you. Then we play Embracing the Mess, where Destin tells us how to solve any life problem. How would you save a group of homeless ferrets? How far would you go?
Co-host Jess Dweck teaches us (well, one of us) how to follow your passion and change careers, how to enjoy Pokemon Go without loving Pokemon, how to host a dog fashion show in Brooklyn, how to poke holes in the airtight plot of "Love Actually," how to abandon science for blogging, how to get paid writing for the internet, how to enjoy watching couples fight on HGTV, how to pick a grad school, how to get around Los Angeles on foot, and how to lose a job because of Twitter. Then we play "The Wisdom of Dweck," where Jess explains some of her famous quotes. Always remember: Dietary norms are arbitrary.
"Tonight Show" writer Chase Mitchell (@chasemit) teaches us how to deal with panic attacks, how to get noticed by Amy Schumer, how to grow up in Atlanta and learn to love Tyler Perry, how to switch from journalism to comedy, how to get published by College Humor, how to do a terrible Madea impression, how to sing the "Jurassic World" theme, how to write for Paul McCartney, and how to have sex during a panic attack. Then we play Say The Same Thing and fail spectacularly at trying to say the same word at the same time. Plus, Drucker sings some of his favorite video game music. So, uh, YEAH, you know you want to listen to this one.
Comedian and TV writer Joe Wengert teaches us how to use your anxieties to your advantage, how to buy a house, how to be a substitute teacher, how to be an eccentric, how to start learning comedy during a national tragedy, how to scare your parents, how to avoid wearing wigs, how to meditate, how to make a good to-do list, and how to buy compact discs in the year 2016. Then we completely fail at The Alphabet Game and realize that we both don't know the alphabet and should be fired from comedy.
Acclaimed comic book and TV writer Ed Brubaker ("Captain America," "Westworld," "Batman," "Daredevil," "Gotham Central") teaches us how to create the perfect cartoon sound effects, how to grow up on Guantanamo Bay, how to write for Marvel, DC, and indie comics, how to differentiate between types of nerds, how to co-create a famous supervillain, how to use the letter K to make everything better, and how to do the world's worst Trump impression. Then we play "Villainize Them," where Ed gives supervillain names to famous people. And Drucker.
"Wet Hot American Summer," "Billy on the Street," and "Difficult People" writer Jake Fogelnest teaches us how to offend Jake Fogelnest, how to host a talk show at age 14, how to sneak into Universal Studios, how to witness the start of the Upright Citizens Brigade theater, how to survive in Los Angeles without a car, how to be a big Hollywood asshole, how to enjoy the new "Ghostbusters" movie, and how to offend people without being annoying. Then we play "The Offense Game." What would you do to ruin your child's school play? Well, besides being there.
"Party Over Here" star Alison Rich teaches us how to prevent jealousy, how to deal with nipple hair, how to get noticed by Andy Samberg, how to watch "The Bachelor," how to play Scrooge as a little girl, how to write for SNL, how to show off your teeth on Tinder, how to deal with other people's success, how to try out for the Harvard Lampoon, and how to find a boyfriend online. Plus we play a game of "Swipe Out," where we decide who's worth swiping right for. Would you sleep with the Lorax? Drucker would.
Comedian Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) teaches us how to keep in touch with your friends, how to talk to porn stars, how to use Amazon Prime to strengthen relationships, how to learn joke-writing through poetry, how to enjoy life because it's ultimately meaningless, how to take the perfect knife selfie, how to be a cat gentleman, how to work in a chandelier store, and most importantly, how to make your mailman laugh. Then we play a game of "Can't Keep In Touch With This." How would you avoid talking to your worst high school teacher at the supermarket? Hint: Be weird.
"Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" and "Difficult People" writer Emily Altman teaches us how to parlare Italiano, how to find a job in another country, how to deal with hard water, how to find Waldo (The Hidden Man), how to turn an old lady into a puppet, how to sit in your shit, and most importantly, how to properly order food at an Italian restaurant. Then we play a game of Fottere-Sposare-Uccidere (F-Marry-Kill) with famous Italians. Turns out we want to do all three to Wario!
College Humor writer and performer Siobhan Thompson teaches us how to be an actual archaeologist in England, how to speak in any British accent, how to sadly steal Tabasco sauce from Chipotle, how to work in casting, how to hate Piers Morgan, how to find the creepy guy in an improv class, how to nap without ruining your makeup, how to know the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, and of course, how to find Richard III's bones. Then we play a game of "Real Indiana Jones." Was Shakespeare a hipster? I hopeth not.