Actor and comedian Griffin Newman (The Tick, Vinyl, Fort Tilden) teaches us how to play the video game Disney Infinity, how to be an out-of-shape superhero, how to grow up in New York City, how to start standup as a child, how to get cut from a M. Night Shyamalan movie, how to survive without a driver's license, how to ruin The Fantastic Four, how to appreciate The Phantom Menace, and how to collect toys as an adult. Plus we play a game of "Serious Acting," where Dweck gets to live her dream of working at the DMV.
Film and TV critic Simon Abrams teaches us how to review a movie, how to use writing to make people like you, how to make money with a useless college major, how to do a perfect Vincent D'Onofrio impression, how to enjoy "Batman vs. Superman," how to get noticed as a freelancer, how to tell the difference between a critique and a review, and how to get hired by Roger Ebert. Then we invite Simon to crush us in a few rounds of Movie Pong.
In this special mini-sode, Mike and Jess beg for money from their listeners— that's YOU! If you'd like to help "How To Be a Person" stay afloat, go to www.patreon.com/howtobeaperson and give us some cheddar. Literally any amount helps. No presh. If you donate, Jess will stop mentioning New Jersey. (Maybe.)
"Late Night with Seth Meyers" and Funny or Die writer Mike Scollins teaches us how to throw things away, how to not smell bad, how to be a guest writer on SNL, how to ask John Stamos how he lost his virginity, how to make an audience sad, how to make space in a tiny NYC apartment, and how to keep the objects that give you joy. Then we play a game of "Toss or No Toss" where we find out whether to throw out a relative's ashes or a fridge full of beer. Sorry, grandma.
Twitter star Jonny Sun (@JonnySun) teaches us how to rhyme, how to have a dozen careers, how to develop a Twitter persona, how to rap, how to balance creativity and practicality, how to use Twitter to deal with depression, how to embrace weirdness, how to write a parody musical, how to be a pen nerd, and how to write internal rhymes like a grouper locket. Then we play a game of "How To Win at Life," where Jonny tells us how to succeed at any career. Get ready for "Bee Hospital," coming this fall to NBC!
TV and film makeup artist Cyndie Lou Boehm teaches us how to look hot, how to find the career that makes you happy, how to collect horse semen, how to almost join the military but become a ballroom dancer instead, how to save money by living in a crack house, how to look like a zombie, how to work your way up from "America's Most Wanted" to "The Tonight Show," how to de-shine a bald head, and most importantly, how to make Super Mario look sexy. Join us for a game of "Fixer Upper," where we find out how to fix fictional characters' janky faces. You got served, Grimace.
"Jimmy Kimmel Live!" writer and Twitter star Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) teaches us how to sell a story to the tabloids, how to survive a Mormon mission in Malaysia, how to develop a Twitter persona and get confused for a woman online, how to go from being a tv intern to a tv writer, how to wreck Craig Ferguson's car, how to shoot a Weezer video at the Playboy Mansion, how to almost die from a sunburn, and most importantly, how to overcome your fear of volleyball. Then we play a game of "Eat or Fuck," where we ran out of ideas and just name things for Bridger to either eat or have sex with. Would you travel back in time to eat a fascist dictator?
Comedian Aparna Nancherla teaches us how to embrace failure, how to google yourself, how to choose between West Point and comedy, how to not kill birds with rice and Alka-Seltzer, how to do standup outside the U.S., how to start a fun podcast about depression, and how to deal with rejection. Then we play the Awkward Game, where we figure out how to get out of awkward situations. Just follow that pigeon.
Found Footage Festival hosts Joe Pickett and Nick Prueher teach us how to work with an annoying friend without strangling them, how to spot an amazing old VHS tape, how to get arrested for counterfeiting money, how to stay entertained on a long road trip, how to make balloon animals for restaurants, how to prank morning news shows, and how to accidentally meet Donald Trump. Then we play a game of “Finish Me Off,” where we all get the rules completely wrong. But we still have a good time!
"Late Late Show with James Corden" writer and comedian Sean O'Connor teaches us how to quit smoking by stabbing yourself in the leg, how to get fired by Shaq, how to sell a show to MTV, how to get banned from a Star Wars roleplaying forum, how to become vice president of the Jamie Kennedy Fan Club, how to accidentally write a spec script about Donald Trump's life, and most importantly, how to deliver some very heavy non-funky news. Then we play "How Could This Go Wrong" and find out how horrible world peace is. Apologies for the poor sound quality on this one— we recorded on the road.
Comedian Chris Thayer teaches us how to move around the country but never escape your problems, how to go on a first date with Dweck, how to have a comedy buddy, how to embark on a career in scuba diving, how to not gain weight, and how to confront people you’ve unfollowed on Twitter. Then we make Chris come up with offer codes for our fake podcast sponsors. Look out for that diaper cloud!
Writer and comedian Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz, @DystopianYA) teaches us how to sell a book from Twitter, how to survive in a social media wasteland, how to deal with your parents thinking you're not funny, how to bring back the dead with CGI, how to handle annoying MFA students, how to use gestures to establish a character, and how to hate Snapchat. Then we make Dana write one-line short stories! For sale: baby podcast, never listened to.
Comedian, filmmaker, and “Daily Show” producer Jena Friedman teaches us how to interview the most hated man on Netflix, how to get revenge on critics, how to be a contrarian, how to navigate the Chicago comedy scene, how to piss off an improv theater and the New York Times, how to make a funny show about refugees, and most importantly, how to poach an egg. Then we play "Meet Cute," where we make Jena guess how couples in the New York Times Weddings & Celebrations section met based on their names and occupations. Spoiler Alert: They're all very annoying!
Comedian Seth Herzog teaches us how to throw an amazing party, how to join the theater camp mafia, how to make YouTube videos of yourself crinkling plastic bags, how to start performing comedy in a hamburger shop, how to mispronounce Bono’s name to his face, how to warm up a crowd, how to dance till you need to vomit, and how to get cool people to come to your party. Then we challenge Seth to come up with opening lines to introduce himself to celebrities at parties. How do you get germaphobe Donald Trump to shake your hand? Hint: You don’t want that anyway.
"Late Night with Seth Meyers" head writer Alex Baze (@bazecraze) teaches us how to fax your way into a job at Saturday Night Live, how to write jokes with Tina Fey, how to get into Heaven by making no money, how to grow up on an army base, how to review potato chips on Instagram, and how to have the world's worst vacation to Hawaii with your mom. Then we ask Baze how his mom would write monologue jokes. Answer: Every punchline is that you're going to Hell.
Comedian Kurt Braunohler teaches us how to start a fire with just wood and string, how to kidnap your friends and take them to an abandoned nuclear silo, how to create a new type of improv, how to form the perfect comedy duo, how to visit the grossest bar on the Jersey Shore, and how to find New York’s infamous mole people. Plus, Kurt becomes an instant expert on topics he knows nothing about. Dolphins! Lacrosse! Cupcakes! Other random words! Listen!
“Late Late Show,” “Late Night," and “Nature Cat” writer, and duck penis expert Justin Shanes teaches us how to appreciate nature despite being a neurotic hypochondriac, how to prank your family on a cruise, how to quit law for comedy, how to design the perfect #Benghazi t-shirt, how to react to rattlesnakes and bobcats, and how to decide when to risk your life for those sweet, sweet Instagram likes. Then we quiz Justin on the weird wild world of animal genitalia. Hot tip: their tips all have spikes on them!
Comedian and TV writer Brendan McLaughlin teaches us how to survive unemployment, how to befriend an Olsen Twin, how to write promos for Jerry Springer, how to do bad celebrity impressions, how to write for a travel show without traveling, how to find a good coffee shop to work in, and how to make watching Netflix all day sound productive. Then we throw Brendan some tough job interview questions for careers he never wanted. Please hire Brendan to be your wet-nurse magician Batman.
"Inside Amy Schumer" writer and comedian Mike Lawrence teaches us how to watch professional wrestling, how to grow up with a comedian for a parent, how to stop being a slam poet, how to turn a roast battle into a job, and how to work at McDonald's for seven years. Plus, we find out what Hitler's professional wrestling name would be. Unfortunately, it was already taken.
In this special holiday episode, Mike teaches Jess how to find the perfect Christmas gift for your loved ones, how to survive childhood in Florida, how to get a job at SNL, how to be goth, how to become Cisco certified, how to read a script about a talking vagina, and how to find a present for a grandma who loves “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Then Jess teaches Mike how to be a Jew in December. And then we both learn the true meaning of Christmas! Just kidding, but we do talk about "The Mask." This episode is smokin'!!!
“Inside Amy Schumer,” “Kroll Show,” and "SNL" writer Christine Nangle teaches us how to get through crushing heartbreak, how to get rid of a Philly accent then get famous for doing a Philly accent, how to survive childhood without cable TV, how to enrage internet trolls, how to write comedy that you believe in, how to be vulnerable, and most importantly, how to resist texting an ex. Then we play The Breakup Game and find out how you’d break up with a creepy doll that’s come to life.
"Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" writer and comedian Charla Lauriston teaches us how to make a hit web series, how to work for a U.S. senator, how to deal with moths, how to get your creative friends to work for you, how to accidentally name your show after a body part, how to turn a web series into a television-writing job, and how to survive the most embarrassing childhood moment in the history of mankind. Warning: You may burst into uncontrollable laughter at work or in public while listening to this story.
Kinda Funny host and former IGN writer Greg Miller teaches us how to start an online business, how to have the ultimate Taylor Swift concert experience, how to make a career out of loving video games, how to use Patreon, how to grow a loyal fan base on YouTube, how to tear up your life and move across the country for a new job, and how to tear up that life to start a website of your own. Then Greg tells us the perfect snack food to pair with various dishes. What should you eat for dessert after feasting on human flesh and horse meatballs? Greg will tell you.