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How To Be a Person

Comedy writers Mike Drucker ("The Tonight Show," The Onion, Marvel) and Jess Dweck ("The Tonight Show", "Late Night") invite fellow comedians, writers, and other interesting people to teach them how to be normal human beings. Logo by Bryan Brinkman. Theme by Eric Gersen. www.patreon.com/howtobeaperson
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How To Be a Person
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Now displaying: Page 7
Nov 12, 2015
Colbert writer Gabe Gronli teaches us how to turn your bed into a movie theater, how to host a Wisconsin cable access show in high school, how to faint in front of your friends, how to be the Forrest Gump of comedy, how to watch mind-numbing amounts of cable news, and how to get a prostate exam on TV. Plus we play a few rounds of Movie Pong aka The Movie Game aka that thing where you name movies and actors in them, you know what we mean. We get real deep into the filmography of Chris Pine (aka Crisp Lines). Bonus: Lots of Dweck childhood stories, including one where she wakes up in a pile of chocolate.
Nov 5, 2015

"Jimmy Kimmel Live!” and Marvel Comics writer Jeff Loveness teaches us how to travel the world alone, how to make viral videos about Spider-Man and Wes Anderson, how to express Groot’s many emotions, how to look like Slender Man, how to accidentally crash a monk’s funeral, how to write really dark Onion headlines, and how to make friends at a hostel. Then we play a game of "Zoinks!" where we think of comic book sound effects for mundane everyday activities. Krumpff, it's a fun game!

Oct 28, 2015

Journalist, novelist, and Lenny Letter editor-in-chief Jessica Grose teaches us how to become a cult leader, how to actually do something with an English major, how to get a blog-to-book deal, how to pronounce “GIF,” how to appreciate the hotness of Martin O’Malley, and how to “flirty fish." Plus, we play a game of “Clickbait It,” where we turn historical events into internet-friendly headlines.

Oct 22, 2015

Comedy manager Kara Welker talks to us about how to get noticed in comedy, how to handle emotionally unstable performers, how to distinguish an agent from a manager, how to appreciate Tinder even if you're married, how 'the biz' has changed over the last 20 years, and how to transport a passed-out comedian out of a casino. Plus, we find out how much Kara knows about sitcoms by making her play a game of "Fake or Real." Could a sitcom about Hitler and Eva Braun living next door to a wacky Jewish couple be real? Heil yes!

Oct 15, 2015

IGN editor and “Comedy Button” host Brian Altano teaches us how to be a gamer, how you actually CAN’T be a gamer, how to succeed even if you have an art degree, how to not get murdered answering a Craigslist ad, how to make fun of games while also taking them seriously, and how to attract angry internet comments. Then we play “Fanboys,” where we find out what game system various historical figures would use. Listen and find out why Hitler would play Atari Jaguar.

Oct 7, 2015
"Tonight Show" and former Onion writer Mike DiCenzo teaches us how to kill it at karaoke, how to accidentally write a song with Paul McCartney, how to become friends with the cast of "Saved By the Bell," how to get dad jokes into The Onion, and most importantly, how to do a showstopping performance of "Super Bass." Plus we play "F-Marry-Kill" with beloved 90s TV characters. Would you make love to Urkel? The answer might surprise you.
Oct 1, 2015

Comedian Myq Kaplan (Last Comic Standing, America's Got Talent, Comedy Central Presents) teaches us how to show gratitude, how to be a bouncy vegan, how to compete with sword-swallowing ventriloquists and crossbow shooters, how to appreciate Niels Bohr and the Talmud, and how to send the perfect mass email to your friends. And of course, how to make puns. Nonstop puns. Puns puns puns. The pun don't stop.

Sep 24, 2015

Comedian and "Late Late Show with James Corden” writer Jared Logan teaches us how to be a (non-sexual) dungeon master, how to sing sad songs about coal mining in West Virginia, how to get creative inspiration from doing nothing, how Dungeons & Dragons is like Scientology, and why Donald Trump is a chaotic evil invoker. This episode is nerd nirvana (nerdvana?).

Sep 17, 2015

"Walking Dead," "Star Wars: Rogue One," and "Book of Eli" writer Gary Whitta teaches us how to write a screenplay, how to drop out of school at 15 to write video game reviews, how to move to America, how to break into the film industry by accident, how to break screenplay-writing rules, and most importantly, he teaches us what NOT to say to Will Smith. Plus, we play a game of "Robot, Zombie, Jedi." Spoiler alert: Being a zombie sucks.

Sep 10, 2015

New Yorker and "Late Night" writer Cirocco Dunlap teaches us how to communicate, how NOT to communicate, how to survive hippie LSD-dropping parents in San Francisco, how to vomit-hallucinate your demons on Ayahuasca, how to write a children's book, and how to pick the best position in a human centipede. Then we play a game of "Alphabet," where we try to have a conversation using every letter of the alphabet in order. Plus, we finally find out all of Jess' fears!

Sep 3, 2015

"Saturday Night Live” Weekend Update writer Josh Patten teaches us how college football works, how to live in Brazil and say “Titanic” in Portuguese, how to write jokes about dead people, and how Dungeons and Dragons is like improv. Then we play “Post It!” where we come up with New York Post-style punny headlines about historical events.

Aug 27, 2015

The Property Brothers Drew and Jonathan Scott teach us how to fake it 'til you make it, how to impress ladies with magic tricks, how to sneak dirty words onto HGTV,  how to switch places with your twin, how to talk like a Canadian, and what clown sex might sound like. Plus we play "The NewlyBro Game" to find out how much Drew and Jonathan really know about each other. Who would beat whom in a fight to the death? Which Golden Girl would each of them be? And who is the TRUE star of The Property Brothers??

Aug 20, 2015

"Tonight Show" and College Humor writer David Young teaches us how to be a parent, how to say "my wife" without sounding like Borat, how to do the "perfect" Richard Nixon/Harrison Ford impression, how to write for the internet vs. television, how to give your baby a weird name, and how to avoid "Shaking" Baby Syndrome. Plus, we play "What Will They Be," where we try to guess what a baby will turn out to be based on their name. This episode may or may not get you pregnant.

Aug 13, 2015

"Late Night with Seth Meyers" writer and "Looking" actor Andrew Law teaches us how to win at NBA Jam. Sort of. He also teaches us how to impersonate a penis, how to have an allergic attack at bar mitvahs, how to kill a giant hornet, and how to realize your fear of failure. Then we play NBA Jam with surprising results. You're on fire!

Aug 6, 2015

"Parks and Rec" and "Broad City" writer Jen Statsky teaches us how to be in a stable relationship, how to do a terrible Boston accent (so, a Boston accent), how to have an award-winning butt, and how to live that #vapelife. Then Jess reveals a little too much about her time at summer camp. Way too much. Plus, we test our mental compatibility with Jen in a game of "Say the Same Thing." Seriously, Jess reveals way too much. We're so sorry.

Jul 30, 2015

"@midnight" writer and comedian Emmy Blotnick teaches us how to read self-help books, how to cry in public, how NOT to hug yourself, and how to involuntarily make the Tim Allen Home Improvement “euuughh” noise. Plus Mike tells us about the time he tried to ask a girl out with a vampire poem. Then we play a game of “Meditation Mantra or Game of Thrones Character.” Happy self-helping!

Jul 22, 2015

Mike's brother and G20 talking points writer Daniel Drucker teaches us how to move to another country, sneak Rick Ross lyrics into speeches, sell Greece as a refurbished Apple product, and survive two months without toilet paper. Then we play a game where we find out the official diplomatic way to say "I'm a bad girl" and "I pooped my pants." Plus, Daniel tells his famous "Any Given Sunday" wedding speech story and talks about getting stuck in the net of "Vampire Diaries."

Also, apologies for the poor sound quality on this one. Skype issues.

Jul 15, 2015

"Daily Show" writer Matt Koff teaches us how to parallel park, how to draw the perfect Garfield, how to use that Garfield drawing to get laid, how to appreciate fat jokes, and how to write very unsubtle sexual innuendo for newlyweds. Then we get to know each other by playing "The NewlyMet Game." Bonus mentions of cocaine and Tony Shalhoub! Hurray!!

Jul 8, 2015

Neuroscientist and comedian Jono Zalay teaches us how to be a scientist, how to quit science to be a comedian, and how to give rats cocaine. Mike nerds out over neurobiology, while Jess has horrible flashbacks to her days as a chemist. Plus a game of F-Marry-Kill with famous scientists and research subjects. Let this be the only podcast you listen to this week that references Phineas Gage.

Jul 1, 2015

"Giant Bomb" editor Alex Navarro teaches us how to become a professional video game reviewer, how to write an interesting game review, and how to get into games if you've never played them. Plus, Alex tries to explain video games like "Katamari Damacy" and "Number Munchers" to Jess. Keep that in mind: There was an educational video game franchise called "Munchers."

Jun 24, 2015

"Tonight Show" writer and social butterfly Albertina Rizzo (@albz on Twitter) teaches us how to make friends, how to be confident, how to be a real New Yorker, and how to style Tony Shalhoub. Plus a game of "Friend or No," where we ask who you'd rather be friends with. Hitler or Chef Boyardee? Tia or Tamara? Tough choices. 

Jun 17, 2015

"Last Week Tonight" writer, "Modern Seinfeld" co-creator, and stand-up comedian Josh Gondelman teaches us how to make a key lime pie, how to be a pre-school teacher, how to get on a Wheaties box, and how to impress German baristas-- oh, and also how to be the nicest person in the whole world. Plus a fun game of "Two Truths and a Pie," where we reveal two embarrassing facts about our lives and a pie we wish existed. Email us suggestions and comments at "howtobeapersonpodcast@gmail.com."

Jun 9, 2015

"Colbert Report" and "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" writer Meredith Scardino teaches us how to draw cartoons, avoid rats in NYC, make ourselves sneeze with a blade of grass, and how to survive childhood in the rough and tumble backwoods of Pennsylvania. Plus a fun game of F-Marry-Kill with beloved childhood cartoon characters!

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